so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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