i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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