This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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