What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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