I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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