Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
