My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
