go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Man, jail baloney is awful.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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