My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
