shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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