I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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