OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize