Sry I called you an 8
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
