i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
