I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize