Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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