I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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