I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
