There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
