I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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