Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
