Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
