The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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