Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
