So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
