my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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