a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
