Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
