How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
