i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
