he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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