I CAN MOONWALK!
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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