I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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