All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
