The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
