so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
