Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My vagina is officially offended.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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