He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
