The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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