dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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