My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize