proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
