I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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