I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
