ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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