i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
