I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
