after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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