Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
