But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
