I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
