Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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