whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I have demons in me.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
