Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
